I’m humbled.
Usually I have a post rolling around in my head for days, sometimes weeks. And when I have something somewhat heavy to say I write, then draft, and come back several times to read it, editing all along, before hitting that “publish” button. Just to make sure I’m saying precisely what I want to say.
But Thursday night when I thought my day was done I began to prepare for bed. And on a whim came back to the computer “for just a second” to get my thoughts out there. And then hit publish and turned the computer off. I briefly worried as I laid down that maybe I shouldn’t have made it public so quickly. Maybe I should’ve waited for morning when my thoughts would be clearer. The next morning I came back to reread what I had written and decided to let the post stay.
The outpouring of love and understanding and general commiserating was unbelievable to me. Sometimes it just helps to get it all out there. Outside of my own head. Sometimes it helps to talk to a friend who doesn’t want to “fix it”, but just to say, “man, I hate that, me too.” Sometimes it helps to have answers. Friends to turn to that have been there, done that and would love to show me the way. Sometimes it helps to know that even those who seem to have all the answers are still guessing themselves. And sometimes it helps to be reminded that I need to turn around and offer what I know to those that aren’t as far along the path as I am.
That night was nothing new. I often lay down at night saddened by what my day could’ve been. By my perception of the kind of mom I am. The only difference is that I let you in on it. And wondered aloud if I was alone.
And you answered. Like I’ve never seen before in my life. My eyes were opened because of you. I discovered that I have my own preconceived notions of families with fewer children than my own. (Hello. My name is Suzanne and I’m a judge-er.) To you, I apologize. I discovered there are so many that feel just like I do. It’s so nice to know you’re out there. I feel so alone in my own world. And I found some of those older, wiser women that I didn’t think were out there. And I plan to learn from you. I was so comforted by you, do you have any idea how your words made my day? I will answer each and every one of your comments in the next few days, not to mention that I can’t wait to stop by your blogs!
Tonight when I went looking for an image to go with this post (because we all know I’m crazy visual) I found a batch of pictures Matt had taken not long ago. And though most nights I feel like all the little eyes in my life are as serious as these in this moment:
TheOldest's not so happy face. We all have one, right?
I realized my husband had snapped these pictures at the same time:
He looks really worried about life.
A kiss caught.
A cuddle captured.
And I realized maybe, just maybe, they’re not quite as unloved and unhappy as I worry they might be.
Now to just capture some of that silliness.
May all of you sweet mamas that worry as much as I do find your own new friends among those comments. May you see the mama you really are in your own pictures this week. And may they warm your heart on those cooler nights. Because the proof is there. You just have to find it.
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