If your kids are in public schools and 15 different after school activities (as I was once upon a time) and you all enjoy it, then this post isn’t for you. I am not trying to persuade everyone that my chosen lifestyle is the only one. If you’re happy, move along. However, if you’re in the “I’m never home, my kids are never home, we never have a chance to eat together – and why does that even matter? – nobody ever has a chance to breathe or play and we’re miserable” then you are who I’m talking to. Listen carefully: It doesn’t have to be this way. And just because you have chosen (or fallen into) this lifestyle of running constantly and you have kids that are a little older doesn’t mean it has to stay this way. It can be different. You are not stuck.
Every year for the last few (with the exception of pregnancy/new baby/swine flu year) we have played soccer. And since we don’t have soccer where we live we drive to soccer out of town. We love the organization, the kids love the game, and we love that it’s a short easy season. That is until you have 3 kids participating (we’ll be up to 4 next year). Three practices, three games each week. Extra trips for pictures.
Ask Yourself “Why?”
We do not do organized sports (or dance or gymnastics) very much. We are considering basketball/cheer this year, but until now we’ve only done soccer once a year (and that one year we did T-ball which was nightmarish). We don’t do mid-week church (or any church right now for that matter, but that’s a different post altogether). We don’t think it’s necessary (not church, mind you, the sports, try to stay with me here!). Our kids are plenty socialized. We have friends, we have homeschool groups, we do leave the house. But organized sports and dance for 3 year olds? Why? What need is it filling? To be with others more? To learn respect for elders? To learn team mentality? Grooming for their future sports and dance careers? Because everyone else is doing it? Because they begged and they know best? Seriously, ask yourself “why?”
Think back to when we were growing up. How much did we participate in after school and weekend organized activities? I had dance and tried piano for a season. I took gymnastics. But none of it lasted. It was a nice distraction from my lonely quiet nearly-only-child childhood. That is, until I got into high school and then really, really loved all the drama, choir, Odyssey of the Mind, Mock Trial, Model U.N., Quiz Bowl, and various sundry other nerdy activities I was in. But I was a teenager. Not a 5 year old.
So, the first step is “Why?”
Second step is ask yourself “Are we happy like this?”
This was the last day of soccer. The day, if you’ll remember, that I was feverish with mastitis. That’s right, Matt can get me laughing even on those days.
If you are, then move along. I was happy with my over-booked high school activities. I loved it. I’m not suggesting that you should cut activities if it’s just for your lazy sake of not wanting to go to another practice (though I completely understand this plight!) I’m sure we’ll find ways to accommodate our teens when the time comes. We’re already discussing how to get our Middlest (who is currently 7) on a “real” league soccer team. It seems to be his passion. It brings out the best in him. It gives him focus. We’ve discussed what would do the same for our Oldest (currently 9) he hasn’t found it yet. We’d love for him to.
The Middlest sitting in misery because it was his turn to “sit it out”. Oh how he loves soccer.
I’m all about enrichment. But when enrichment turns into another crying, “do we have to go again, Mama? can’t we just stay home today? I’m tiiiirrreeed.” Then it’s time to reconsider.
I’ve had so many harried mamas (strangers in the grocery line) say they don’t know how on earth I do it with all my kids when they can’t do it with their two. I always just smile and say, “I don’t know, we just love it.” When I’ve recently discovered and thought through, it’s because I’m not doing what they are doing. I know for the very brief time my kindergartener was in public schools it was insane. Our days revolved around run, run, run. Get up, get ready, hurry, drop him at school, hurry, get home, feed the others, get them to naps, get up, get snacks, hurry, hurry, pick up child from school, hurry, run home, get some dinner together (out of a box or on the way home from the fast-food spots), look at his homework (in kindergarten, I can’t even imagine for older ones), hurry, get in the bath, hurry, get in bed. And then begin again. Add extracurricular activities and it was super nuts. What on earth? This last 6 weeks of soccer was just nearly too much. It added a minimum of 3 extra trips to town, besides our usual “socializing” and field trips. Much was cut. Our kids were begging us to “just stay home today? Can’t we just play today?” We ate out more than we have since I was pregnant. My house stayed a mess.
The crew so proud of their soccer trophies. The Oldest let the 3 year old hold his, since he was left out this year.
No wonder people ask me how I do it. I don’t do what they’re doing.
Third step is figure out what you want and switch tracks
And I don’t mean switch gears. Staying home, focusing on family, living a much quieter, slower paced life (you know, whatever quieter and slower paced is with 5 small very loud and messy kids) is not a matter of putting your currently running train in a different direction. It’s picking up the whole train and setting it down on a different track. It is doable. Ask my friend Brenda who has chronicled her family revision (search her early archives to see where she came from each step of the way). There are families who have done what you are considering in the back of your mind. Figure out what you want, research it (or do like us, jump ship and then research it!), find support, take a deep breath, and jump. You can do this. Your life can be calmer. It doesn’t have to be driven by everyone else’s agenda. You don’t have to be involved in every sport, every opportunity. The point is you’ll always have to give up something. When you choose something you’re deciding to not choose something else. These things are not inherently bad. But if you feel a tugging, nagging feeling of “This should be different” then choose differently. It won’t always be hunky dory (yes, I did just say that) but the bigger picture will be better, because you will have chosen what is best. Best for you and your family for this season. You will have to give up other equally good things for what you have ultimately decided is best. Please know, again, I’m not saying everyone should choose this way. I’m saying if you’ve read this far, you’ve probably wondered if it can be different. If you really can do this. And I’m telling you, yes, you can.
If you have questions or want to connect with others who’ve chosen a different route please feel free to email me at suzannerparker (at) gmail (dot) com.
One of our many playing around the house days.
I just want you to know, if you’re unhappy, it can be different. You can be the one in control. You can see what all the fuss is about eating dinner together as a family.
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