The other day while going about our normal evening at home business. Matt quietly pointed out to me this scene at the computer.
Here sits my 5 year old daughter holding her 17 month old brother, she started a show on the computer for him and was rubbing his head (much like I do) “mama-ing him” as Matt said. I snapped a very quick low quality pic with my phone to capture the memory. I said to Matt at this scene “I’ll take our civilization over the socialized alternative.” He agreed. We smiled.
And that exchange brought to mind several discussions I’ve seen lately about homeschooling and the apparent inherent lack of socialization that comes with that decision. (It’s not just one of you, I promise, it’s all over the place as my friends look to springtime and the coming fall and try to decide what they’ll do with their kiddos.) And I never write about it. For several reasons. One, as I’ve said many times before I really don’t like picking fights (and this, friends, ends up a fight most times, sadly). Another reason I don’t is because the circles I now run in it’s a non-issue. It’s been discussed so much that I kinda consider it decided, handled, over. But really, with as many people who’ve mentioned it lately I felt like maybe I should address how I feel about it. How it’s panning out for us.
First of all let me begin with the quote I referenced above.
“I want my children to be civilized, not socialized.” ~author unknown
See, you’ve already got your fightin’ gloves on, don’tcha?
Dictionary.com defines them as such:
so·cial·ized
/ˈsoʊ
ʃəˌlaɪz/ Show Spelled [soh-shuh-lahyz]
ʃəˌlaɪz/ Show Spelled [soh-shuh-lahyz]
–verb (used with object)
1. to make social; make fit for life in companionship with others.
2. to make socialistic; establish or regulate according to the theories of socialism.
3. Education . to treat as a group activity: to socialize spelling quizzes.
–verb (used without object)
4. to associate or mingle sociably with others: to socialize with one’s fellow workers.
civ·i·lized
–adjective
1. having an advanced or humane culture, society, etc.
2. polite; well-bred; refined.
3. of or pertaining to civilized people: The civilized world must fight ignorance.
4. easy to manage or control; well organized or ordered: The car is quiet and civilized, even in sharp turns.
I am fully aware that these are not either/or, mutually exclusive. I’m also fully aware that it’s mainly just a comeback, something to quip at those who don’t know better and are trying to make us feel bad for our own decisions. And that it is possible to come through public schools and be civilized. I kind of like to think of myself as civilized. At least sometimes. And I came out of public schools. But let me tell you, from my own experience in school and my own experience with the masses of children we are exposed to frequently (and yes, my children are exposed to masses of children frequently, socialization, anyone?) that it would appear that “civilized” is a lot harder to achieve in public school. Much like you can reach the second floor by running up the down escalator, but it would be a much more direct, not to mention pleasant, route were you to take, say, the up escalator.
A picture Matt snapped at the parade the other day. We were hanging out with friends. Public school socialized friends, even! (gasp!)
Let’s break it down further.
You are sending your 5 year old to school to socialize? Or to learn how to socialize? Am I correct? If this is the case, who are you wanting them to learn to socialize with? Their peers, right? Kids their own age. Theywill get this there. They will play on the playground, they will sit next to one another in the classroom. But for the most part these will not be guided and taught interactions. The teachers are there to teach the information and keep order. Not be micromanaging each and every interaction. So a lot of the interactions will fall through the unguided cracks. Which is great. I don’t overly micromanage every conversation my kids have, but the younger they are the more guided I like to be. It’s how they learn. The whole “let them fight it out, they’ll learn who’s boss” mentality is for a pack of dogs. Not my children who are learning how to negotiate, compromise, and put others first. Unless you will not be surprised or dismayed when your teenager is still “fighting it out” with you and others when they are far too old to be “fighting it out”. I also want my children to know how to socialize with babies, younger children than themselves, older teenagers, and adults as well. Without bullying, being clueless, running roughshod over them, or thinking disrespect for teachers and adults is the norm. It’s not. And if it is nowadays, it shouldn’t be. Guide them in a different direction. And the easiest way to guide them in a different, more considerate and compassionate direction is to teach them. In their interactions. If you are not there for 7 hours of their day and a minimum of 2 more hours a day are spent rushing through getting ready and off to said socialization and then they have those hours of sleep that they are not learning from you how to work out issues and play appropriately then you have handed over a lot of time of guidance to.. somewhere else.
Looking on the flipside.. is it possible that my children who live in the sticks and are homeschooled can be socialized? Is it possible that my very social, wanting to talk and play with everyone girl will get enough socialization? Well, first of all I certainly hope so. And in hoping I work in that direction. We go to homeschool groups (are you laughing about a bunch of unsocialized homeschoolers hanging out together? Because typing out that sentence kinda made me giggle), we go to parks (with lots of other “socialized” children that make me balk every time I go out), we go to stores, we go to friends’ houses, we go to birthday parties, we go to soccer, we go to museums, we go to the library, the list goes on. And at each of these places we learn how to line up, wait our turn, listen for directions, play with others, and generally just hang out. Is it enough? Not according to my girl, but aside from enrolling her in an all girls boarding school I don’t think I could ever get her socially satiated. Such is life, she’ll learn disappointment around here too.
Speaking of socializing.. do you know how many kids were at the city park on a pretty Saturday, the day of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade? We might have learned a little bit of socialization and tolerance that day. Maybe.
Let’s also take a look at the type of socializing they’ll be getting. Besides the “fight it out” mostly unsupervised playground socialization we’ve already talked about, there’s the darker side. The horror stories that are real, not just in the movies or the rumor mills. And from what I understand (from others with children in schools, from pop culture tv, and from the older children I’ve been around) it’s worse now than when I was in school. Really? Because it was kinda awful back then. I plan to write a separate post about the sexual trends in children in an upcoming post. There’s too much to fit in here.
So, as scattered and not well said as all this is my point is: I homeschool. My kids are socialized. They are learning slowly each day how to be civilized. You can have children in public schools who are both. You can homeschool and have children who are neither. If you float through life and don’t have a goal in mind nor a plan to reach that goal then you are most likely destined for near failure. Whatever you do, whatever you decide know that you will have to work towards whatever goal you have. It should be thought out. Worked toward. And prayed over constantly.
My children are not perfect as the rest of this post might would have you believe. Here are two of my children bored and complaining the day of the parade (of all things!) and having to wait on a pizza (oh, the horrors!) And yes, I did take their picture while they were less than happy. I’m that kind of mother. But instead of unattended and stewing in their boredom and frustration I was there to redirect, teach, and yes, maybe mock while taking pictures.
I’m fully aware that you can come through homeschooling and be completely uncivilized. But it’s an awareness decision. Once you know what it is you want to attain, figure out how it’s best to attain that for your family, and go forward in that direction. For instance I am aware that I want civilized children that know how to relate to others, serve others (as the Lord taught us), and keep others first. I am aware that’s a battle that I can most easily fight with each interaction while they are young.
The unexamined life is not worth living. ~ Socrates
Examine, know all the facts – don’t just buy the party line. Make informed decisions. It’s what we’ve done. This is the direction I’ve chosen.
I want to choose the up escalator to go up, if you will.
Now I’m sure the gloves will come off and the fighting will commence. Let’s just keep it civilized, ‘k?
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